How To Eat Your Way Across The MN State Fair in 12 Queasy Steps
I’m not entirely proud to admit it, but Pappa Bear and I ate our way across the
MN State Fair recently. Nine straight hours of walking and eating.
Let me preface this little adventure by explaining to you the foods I no longer eat, on any kind of regular basis:
• Processed carbs (white sugar, white flour, white rice)
• Fake foods (you know, anything made by Monsanto, anything with MSG, anything made with fake chemical sweeteners)
• CAFO meat (Concentrated Animal Feeding Organization – i.e., feedlot)
• And did I mention, Sugar? Too much sugar gives me eye migraines – those dizzying lines across your vision; makes me nauseous; and makes me fall asleep instantly.
• Fried foods - especially those fried in transfat oils
• GMO corn products (Genetically Modified Corn – found in nearly all processed/pre-made meals & snacks, everything from ketchup to cereal to fast food hamburgers).
I find this list of “non-eats” oddly amusing in light of what we each put away that day. The stars are our informal rating system based on nothing other than our “gut” feeling of how it tasted to us at that moment. We split everything except the Hotdish-on-a-stick.
Step One & Two: Hotdish OAS*** & UffDa Treat****
Why does the staff at Ole’s not look the least bit Scandinavian? Hmmm…
It all started innocently enough at the Ole & Lena’s stand near the horse barn, where for breakfast we each got a serving of Hotdish On A Stick (which we will abbreviate from here on as OAS), a combination of (CAFO) meatballs and tater-tots (GMO) corn-breaded and deep fried (probably in GMO corn oil), with a side of cream of (MSG) mushroom sauce, and chased those down by splitting an UffDa! treat, a filled krumkake topped with caramel sauce and butter roasted pecans. The name says it all, folks. UffDa! The Hotdish OAS wasn’t as good as I remembered – probably because we’ve given up eating most GMO, MSG, fried foods and they just don’t taste as good once you’ve weaned yourself off of all those excitotoxins.
(Sorry we were so hungry when we got there – skipped breakfast – that I accidentally forgot to take pics of the food before we wolfed it all down. Trust me when I say the UffDa treat looked as good as it tasted.)
We should have just quit and gone home here, and we’d have been pretty full and happy, with our quota of unhealthy oils and fake foods fulfilled.
To make room and kill some time before our next feast, we headed over to the animal barns. I’ll save my salivation over small breed rabbits for another post coming soon – I think this post will get waayy too longer otherwise. But just to give you a “taste” of what is to come on that post…
This little guy or gal was in a very large cage that had a card stating it was a Flemish English Giant. I think not.
Anyway, back to eating the fair.
Step Three: Gator OAS****
PB wasn’t feeling quite as adventurous as I was, but I figured after the last two years of eating mostly locally-raised bison and emu, why couldn’t I try something even more exotic - Bayou Bob’s ‘Gator OAS! I opted out of the deep fried this time. What I got was something resembling a bratwurst, on a stick, which tasted a lot like… a bratwurst! It was very good actually, nothing like I expected it to be.
To wash down this exotic treat, of which PB had only one bite, we walked a short distance to a place sure to delight PB, our resident gourmet cheesecake maker.
Step Four: Deep Fried Cheesecake OAS****
Granny’s Cheesecake & More offers a variety of fried or dipped, cheesecake & fruit items. Those of you who were watching our updates via Facebook on Sunday already know – this was Stop #1 of 2 at this stand that day. First visit, PB opted for Deep Fried Cheesecake, OAS of course. It was, in a word, YUM. (Sorry, no picture again – ate it too fast!).
Step Five: Fried Fruit OAS Sundae****
Although we had by now definitely had our fill of both sugar and fried items, we noticed another stand close to this one selling Fried Fruit OAS. We justified stopping here since there would be some real fruit in the equation. We pondered over whether or not to add ice cream and make it a “Fried Fruit OAS Sundae.” You can see the results. Is fruit, covered in batter, deep fried and eaten with ice cream, a healthy snack? We’re saying yes.
Step Six: Teriyaki Ostrich OAS***
By now we were famished and ready for some real food. I’d like to say we went home now, and came back the next day to continue this feeding frenzy. But alas…
For our next eating adventure we braved The Food Building, where approximately 100,000 of the 130,000 people attending the fair that day were crushed into a wriggling mass of queue’s waiting to order or receive their food from one of a twenty or so food vendors. It was hot, it was crowded. But once we finally made our way to the China Town booth we were happy to find no lines at all. Just this goofy guy in an ostrich costume.
And this goofy guy eating Ostrich OAS.
Although we love emu and have eaten it almost exclusively for the past year in place of ground beef, we were not so impressed with the Ostrich OAS. Maybe it was the teriyaki sauce. Maybe it was PB dumping the plate on the floor shortly after this photo was taken. At any rate, we would sure try another ostrich item sometime in the future, but probably not this one. And especially not the one we dumped on the floor.
We did, finally, take a break from eating at this point and wandered through Machinery Hill. There were tractors and trailers and trucks and machines of all sizes and models. We were particularly interested in trailers, and specifically, this one – a 7’x29’ drive-in/drive-out toy hauler that we’re fairly certain would make a really nice mobile workshop for PB, while also being usable as an animal hauler if we put in a few windows and attached some panels.
I would like to report that right around this point in time, I started to crash. All of that sugar and grease and carbs and fake stuff just got the best of me. I had to sit on a bench for a long time with glazed eyes, watching the fair goers wandering by. PB took this opportunity to more thoroughly explore Machinery Hill and all of its goodies. I’m sure I was also somewhat dehydrated (even though we were frequently filling our water bottles) and it was getting very warm, around 90 degrees. I was happy to sit on the shady bench and just wait. While I was sitting there I happened to notice…
Step Seven: Texas Tater Twister OAS***
It was on PB’s food list for the day (yes, we had reviewed all 300+ food vendors on the fair’s website the day before so we’d have a complete list of all the food items we wanted to try) and even though we were far, far from hungry, we opted to try one while we were in the area. We just got the regular, not with a hotdog in the middle. It basically tasted like potato chips. Another item we won’t need to repeat.
Our eating momentum had really slowed down by now, so we took some time to look at more trailers and the exhibits of gazebos, cabins and Adirondack furniture on display by http://northwoodoutdoor.com/ Northwood Industries of Hayward, WI. This was one of our favorite exhibits, from the itty-bitty cabins to the very comfortable lawn furniture – they had regular chairs (folding!), gliders, rockers, even a tall chair they called a Lifeguard chair. They were made of recycled plastic and came in all sorts of fun colors. Never have to paint them, and water-proof!
PB spent a fair amount of time drooling over the grills and outdoor stoves. This one was custom-made for a fire department – check out the axe-as-handle!
Unbelievable as it may sound, after leaving the grill/Adirondack area, we just happened to stumble upon another concession vendor from our food list…
Step Eight & Nine: Salmon OAS* & Elk Burger*****
Giggles Campfire Grill, where we ordered some “real food,” Salmon OAS and an elk burger. I didn’t expect the salmon to be cold, or served with an odd sauce on top. I love salmon, but didn’t care for this manifestation of it. The elk burger, however, was YUMMER! NOM! SCRUMPDILLYICIOUS! A definite repeat for our next visit to the fair.
After this round, I was starting to feel a bit nauseous. The elk burger was fantastic, but the heat and 8 hours on our feet and the heat and all the other crappy food we ate and the heat and dehydration and the heat and all the sugar and the heat were really starting to take a toll. We needed something cold. More than cold, frozen. I just so happened around this time we were wandering past the Farmer’s Union food stand which happened to serve…
Step Ten: Frozen Mocha OAS****
Delightfully chocolatey mocha-ey frozeny goodness. On a stick!
We both perked up after sitting in the shade behind this building, eating our frozen concoction. But we were still pretty stinkin’ hot. And thirsty. Despite many bottles of water consumed. PB thought maybe our heat and thirst would be best quenched with…
Step 11: Pina Colada Smoothie*****
This was another scrumpdillyicious treat. Very cold. Very smooth. Very satisfying. And, probably the healthiest thing we consumed all day, being 100% fruit (pineapple + banana) with some coconut milk mixed in for a healthy fat.
I was done now. Aching to get back to the bus that would take us to our car. Dead tired, over-stuffed, over-heated (although cooled off a bit by the smoothie). But, PB had one more trick up his sleeve.
He just had to return to a concession from earlier in the day…
Step Twelve: Frozen Dipped (chocolate) Cheesecake OAS
Granny’s Cheesecake was the hands-down winner Sunday with our last treat of the day – Frozen Dipped Cheesecake OAS.
It don’t get no better than this, folks. We’ll skip the deep-fried cheesecake next year. And the Ostrich OAS. And the Salmon OAS. And the Hotdish OAS. And the Texas Tater Twister OAS. But I can almost guarantee we’ll be revisiting this devilishly delightful goodness next time. With a side of elk burger. UffDa!
